My New Swiss Diet

In the summer leading up to our move, I went on a self-improvement kick. Instead of assuaging a midlife crisis with a red convertible, I decided instead to invest in my body, buffing the exterior, boosting the engine and getting everything in brilliant working order to ensure a long, happy and productive life.

So I saw my internist for a full physical, even taking her advice and getting a colonoscopy (my grandfather had colon cancer in his 40s) and endoscopy (to check on the acid reflux), went to a top neurologist and headache specialist to get control of migraines, saw a personal trainer to build my core and went to a regenerative medicine specialist to evaluate my biochemical indicators and pursue a customized, scientifically cutting-edge amino acid, drug and diet answer to my imbalances and sensitivities. By the time I left Boston, I was a relatively clean machine.

I was feeling better that I had in many years, a combination of benefits from the core-building exercise regimen, the medicine to prevent headaches, and the customized amino acid/minerals/vitamins decreasing the overall aches and pains and low energy I had been experiencing periodically since entering my 40’s. But the biggest impact seemed to be from the new diet — I avoided foods that showed some immune response when I was tested. With no dairy, no wheat and no some-very-specific foods (plums?!), I felt less groggy, had fewer headaches and a lot more energy. When I tried to re-introduce those foods, I felt crappy all over again.

Which brings me to my Swiss breakfast diet, which technically adheres to my food regimen, though I suspect it is an affront to all that my regenerative medicine doctor has tried to teach me:

* One pack Snacketti Dancer Cream — think Funyuns but in the shape of dancing Keith Haring figures

* Half-a-pack of Jumpy’s Kartoffel-Snackmit Paprika-Geschmack — some sort of potato-based crunchy stamped out in little kangaroos with pouch babies

* Coca-Cola, with sugar (none of that gunk-up-your-engines corn syrup so popular with fat Americans)

* Laderach dark chocolate — the best chocolate I have tasted in a land of chocolate so far

I wish I could say this breakfast is the surprising magic bullet that starts my day with aplomb, hope, energy and happiness and creates a slow and joyful burn all day that sustains and pleasures. But hey, it’s really all sugar and Funyun derivative. So basically my stomach is swollen like I swallowed highly seasoned packing peanuts and my brain buzzes with that mosquito noise of table sugar. But bloat and neuronal reverb is a small price to pay for a few minutes of gustatory pleasure and the illusion of supreme health a la My New Swiss Diet.

And look for My New Swiss Diet book soon-to-be bestseller in your favorite mortar and online book store. That’s the English-language title. If you’re in Europe, look for it under the German-translation:Why American Men in Switzerland Lurch Down the Street Fat and Disheveled with Paprika Breath.
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Comments

  • Alice Hawley  On October 8, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Hi Ken

    I’m enjoying your posts and I especially want to thank you for taking one for the good old US of A by watching German porn to improve your language skills so you can represent us properly. I’m picturing a lot of whips and leather boots in those videos, but I don’t want to go there.

    Just wanted to say hello and I’m enjoying keeping in touch.

    Alice

    • kenhw  On October 9, 2010 at 8:27 am

      Alice… Hi! Finally, someone who sees things my way. It’s great to hear from you. I hope things are good in Longwood. K

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